True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
