Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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