Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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