i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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