Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
