i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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