so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
