I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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