remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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