How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
