Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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