I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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