get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize