I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
