Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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