when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
