my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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