Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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