I wish my penis had an off switch
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
