My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
