Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
