Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
