totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Even my vagina gasped.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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