I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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