he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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