if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
