I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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