i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Pants are for mortals
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
