I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
