I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
