as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
