I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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