the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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