Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize