even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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