i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
