And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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