Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
