I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
