I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
