I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
