I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
