I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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