ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
