Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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