Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
