I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
