someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
