ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why is there bacon in the couch?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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