You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
