Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
