Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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