I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
