I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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