I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
