my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
