There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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