I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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