textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
